The secrets girls keep

Everyone keeps SOME secrets….

Women, I’m afraid, are no exception.

Maybe I’m a traitor to my herd for writing this post, but I was just thinking about how many little common secrets we women have.

Here’s a few secrets that plenty of women keep.

We delete things in our phones.

Usually it’s when we were talking a little shit about you, or discussing private things about the relationship or gossiping about your family, co workers, ect.

Or maybe it’s because our guy friend chats us up regularly and we think you would get the wrong idea.

We kiss and tell

We casually and readily give other women information on the length and girth of your penis while out on girls nights.

We discuss whether or not you perform oral regularly, whether or not you are good at it, and explain humiliating things to them, such as “Bill doesn’t like blow jobs because he thinks he has a small penis”

Any opportunity, if it comes up, is a good opportunity to discuss any personal or sexual details of the relationship.

We just don’t mention it to you.

We keep in contact with or at least otherwise innocently keep tabs on men we have had feelings for in the past.

We don’t rule out the possibility that leaving you for one of them in the future is an option, if something were to happen or especially if you don’t treat us right.

Our best friends know all about our feelings regarding these guys, and we talk about it frequently.

This doesn’t mean a girl is cheating or at least that she knows she is cheating. Which leads me to my next one…

We can rationalize ANYTHING.


Women have an incredible knack at twisting anything into what they want it to be with our MINDS.

We even bring in other women to back up and lend theories to our grand justifications of things.

We feel that we can outsmart or resolve any situation. Some can, some can’t, but we all kinda feel that way when we put our heads together.

After all, if more than 3 women agree on a matter, it becomes a unanimous fact.

Just you try to persuade them otherwise.

We are confident in our logic.
And yet… The phenomenon :

Most of us are insecure.

Our peace of mind is instinctually built off of being relevant and needed and safe.

Anything that may threaten one of those core needs, whether it’s manifested as poor body image in a world that links value to physical perfection, or being oppressed in a culture where no amount of personal achievement can provide you true equality.. Can cause insecurity.

Some women grow out of it slowly, and some will suffer for life.

That’s the real reason why:

Women depend on you to keep them happy.

When a woman is in love she is high on life.

When a woman feels ignored or neglected romantically, she is the worst version of herself.

She resents the fact that your mood regulates hers.

She goes through periods of sexual boredom with you.

She won’t admit it, because she craves your desire…

But she is primarily excited by the dramatics of romance and lust.. And sometimes the routine of monogamy takes away her sex drive…

But she doesn’t tell you that, because you aren’t allowed to feel that way, and even imagining you may be bored with her, hurts her fragile self esteem.

Which leads to the next secret…

Women fake orgasms and no you can’t tell like you think you can.

We know about the tensing and squeezing too btw and we snicker inside at every man who regales us with stories of the time he gave the 3 hour orgasm or how he knows how to tell of someone fakes or not.

Often times, women fake more orgasms than they actually have.

Lots of women fake the first one just to get you to relax and enjoy yourself so that they can ACTUALLY enjoy themselves without you staring at them, desperately laboring away at their vagina, asking over and over again, “is that good? Or….?”

Women don’t like how focused men are on their pleasure, it makes them feel self conscious.

We feel paranoid that you aren’t enjoying yourself.

We get more satisfaction out of mutual pleasure than personal pleasure.

Which leads to…

Feeling self conscious is every woman’s nightmare.

Our personality will change radically if we are wearing something we don’t feel comfortable in, or if we haven’t shaved our legs.

We love attention, but only when we feel we are in control of when and what kind of attention we receive, and from whom.

We may be confident and spontaneous, wanting you to make love to us outdoors on a secluded picnic…

But if you try to grab us for a passionate kiss when we haven’t brushed our teeth…. Get the F outta here!!!

If you try to unbutton our blouse, and we resist… It’s because we have a dingy grandma bra on and we don’t feel sexy.

If a woman doesn’t feel sexy and in control, she DOES NOT WANT SEX.

Feeling self conscious will zap away any woman’s sex drive instantly.

Which is also why:

Women hate when you look at and touch the areas of their body they don’t like.

It doesn’t matter if your woman’s muffin top doesn’t bother you.


Don’t brush your hand along her side when she has a fat roll protruding… And for god sakes, don’t squeeze it!!!!!

Don’t rub your hands down her leg when she already objected to sex because she hasn’t shaved..

Just don’t touch her leg!!!

We hate having to be reminded of our “flaws” even if you don’t think of them that way…

Women prefer to believe that they do a good enough job of hiding them, that you may not even notice.

In fact, this is the reason that:

Women don’t like to be compared to other women, even favorably.

Sure, we may react gleefully at first, when you tell us that you “really don’t get why everyone likes Angelina Jolie… Her lips are too big and her eyes are too far apart… And Kim Kardashian has a weird shaped body and her hips are too wide”

But after some reflection, it usually makes us more insecure.

I mean, you just told me I was beautiful with my stretch marks, and I look great at any size…

But then you tear apart an exceptionally beautiful woman’s physical appearance?

It makes us wonder what you ACTUALLY think of our naked bodies, and invalidates your reassuring compliments.


Women want reassuring compliments more than anything else.

We want to be reassured in your love, your desire, and your commitment, over and over.

We want your compliments, even when we disagree with them or seem uncomfortable by them.

Yes, it’s annoying. And no, we don’t care.

In fact,

We really do struggle with thinking your feelings matter as much as ours do.

We know they do… And we try to put you first in so many instances…

Except when our feelings have been hurt.

Our feelings trump your feelings, because we think you are a big baby and we have it way worse than you.

Don’t tell me to understand your feelings as a reason for why you hurt my feelings.

Women are sick of being told they are “emotional” or “moody” when they feel hurt.. Being forced to “control themselves” and get over it.

Then when a man wants sympathy for himself, and even if it is owed, it annoys us and seems hypocritical.

If we are reduced to “emotional females” and it’s our problem, then you can dish yourself an equal serving of sexist garb and just “be a man” and suck it up.

We lie about what we spend.

Maybe we don’t outright lie, but we will put things in the closet and rip the tags off of them and hide the receipt in the wastebasket.

We either don’t want you to get frustrated at our spending (which we rationalize as you being a cheapskate)

Or else we think you can’t handle money and don’t want you to go out spending more money because you think our purchase gives you a green light to match what we spend.

Yeah, it’s not fair.

And, we like it that way, because we like to be in control.


We don’t want a man to let us control everything.

We will try to control everything… We will stomp our feet and insist…

But what we really want is a man who is hip to our tricks.

We want a man who cherishes and spoils us, but puts his foot down and refuses to allow us to be ridiculous.

These are the men we WANT to be with, because it’s the only kind of man we can respect, who makes us feel safe.

We want to run the show with the small things in life, but if shit hits the fan, we want to turn to our man and have him say, “this is what we are going to do”

We have ALOT of hair that we remove for you.

I’m talking beards, mustaches.. Sideburns….

We bleach, wax, shave, and pluck hair from every surface of our bodies, so don’t tell me it irritates your skin to shave for our date night.

If you had any idea all the places women have to remove hair, you would be terrified.

You, men… With your hair swaddled testicles, proudly and brazenly hanging there.. As nature intended.

Imagine ripping the hair off of them with hot wax. (Don’t forget to hold the skin taut as you tear the hair off)

We check out guys as much as you check out girls.

We do it right in front of you, except we are smoother about it and don’t get caught.

We flirt with guys,
At work, at the gas station, at the toll booth.. We wink and we smile and we make them feel good about themselves.

We don’t mention it, because you aren’t allowed to do the same thing.

If we find out you flirt with other women, it dishonors and hurts us.

In our minds, WE are just being friendly and helping brighten peoples day.

If you flirt, it’s because you aren’t happy with us sexually, and you are a prick.

Speaking of pricks:

We hate your friend. He’s a prick.

The way that you idolize that douche bag makes us question your sexual attractiveness as a mate on a deep, instinctual level.

Is it possible you are defective? How can you associate with that guy?

Or else, he is hot and we think he feels the same way about us and we like that.

But, we still think he is kind of a prick.

After all, he invites you golfing on Sunday when we really wanted you to lay in bed and let us make blueberry pancakes and plan a romantic day.

And we know that if we express any shred of disappointment, that prick is going to go into his anti woman tirade over his bitter divorce to the crazy nail technician that resulted in his anger management classes.

(Which he claims are total FUCKING bullshit by the way, an order laid down by a judge who is a total vagina)

And speaking of those..

Most of us hate our vaginas

We are afraid that they are ugly, loose, or smell weird.

We spend years wondering if they look the way they are supposed to, feel the way they are supposed to…

This is why women get weird when you can’t climax during sex, or lose your erection.

We wonder if you can’t get there because we don’t feel good, or look good, or we don’t excite you..

We avoid sex with you, and start violently kegaling every day until we get over it.

We look up yahoo answers on how to tighten our vaginas, and research expensive tightening apparatuses from sketchy online websites.

We already know our guy friends are love with us.

We say they don’t have feelings for us.. We play dumb….. We let our men accuse us of being naive, and we pretend to be hurt…

But we know. Oh brother do we know!!! More than we’ll ever tell…

And that’s why we love guy friends.

Okay, so maybe these don’t apply to all women at all stages of life, but for certain, these are some little known but far too common female presets.

Being a woman is a confusing and complex existence, and it’s not without it’s fair share of growing pains.

Can’t help but laugh at ourselves sometimes, because there’s nothing like a good checking.